Ouch! The downstream impact of not speaking up
How many people are you unintentionally hurting by avoiding an uncomfortable moment of conversation?
I don’t know if the physical pain was worse, or the looping thoughts defiling my mind… should I say something – yes, no, just leave it, it will get better, it’s almost over…
For a good 20 minutes, I was being scalded every three seconds, wincing in pain as my head burned. And yet I kept forcing a smile, trying to make small talk and pretend everything was OK.
Why? I really don’t know.
At the time, it felt like the kinder thing to do. To not tell the hairdresser that the straightening tool was too hot and burning my head.
But who was I being kind to? Certainly not myself.
It got me thinking about the downstream impact of not speaking up – and the ripple effect this has on our experiences and interactions with people. Effects that can last an hour, a day, potentially a lifetime.
The impact of your ripple
Every time we communicate with someone, we bring energy to the interaction based on the myriad factors impacting our consciousness in that moment. The quality of the communication then imparts energy and influence on our audience, which then may or may not have a further downstream impact on their conversations to follow.
A negative experience – even one as benign as my hairdresser example above – can impact our subsequent exchanges, and usually ends up hurting ourselves and those we love most. Because much of the time, we inadvertently take out our frustrations on those closest to us.
In part due to the ripple effect, I believe that communication impacts the world enormously, and can in fact transform it. When we have the tools, the skills and the self-regulation to engage in higher quality communication, we can bring more empathy and kindness to our conversations – with ourselves and with others.
When we know how to communicate our value, speak up for what we want, and manage difficult conversations, we show up as higher versions of ourselves. Less resentment, more peace.
My hairdresser example may feel irrelevant and unimportant to you – after all, most people would probably just ask for the heat to be turned down and not given it another thought – but I encourage you to think about the sentiment in a way that’s meaningful to you.
Sparking joy or stealing it?
By avoiding the 20-second conversation to ask my hairdresser to turn the heat down, I actually stole a little joy from many people that day.
I deprived the hairdresser of the opportunity to correct the temperature, likely apologise, and then have a more free-flowing conversation with me (and also maybe remember to ask the next customer if the heat was OK – there’s the ripple at work in another form!).
I robbed myself of what should have been an enjoyable experience.
And my voicelessness impacted the subsequent conversations with my loved ones… I don’t remember the exact events that followed my appointment, but I do remember speaking to my husband about how awful it had been.
Although I consciously tried to let the experience go the moment I walked out of the salon, I undoubtedly held on to a pinch of resentment – which would likely have impacted (even if only slightly) my usually joyful communication for a couple of hours. With my husband, my children, the people I met with throughout the day.
Consider the ripple effect of such a tiny example – and what it might mean for more significant ones. If each of my interactions for the following few hours were 10 per cent less joyful than they would have been had my hairdressing experience been blissful, what’s the potential impact on the kindness that I brought to the world that day?
Where do you avoid speaking up?
Perhaps you have a friend who makes passive-aggressive, hurtful comments to you. Or a boss who’s dismissive and talks over you all the time. Maybe you’ve endured a massage that was too hard and hurt you, not wanting to ‘offend’ the practitioner by speaking up.
I encourage you to consider where in your life you are holding something back that would be better off communicated – something that perhaps might be uncomfortable but will lead to a better outcome for everyone.
It could be as simple as letting a colleague know they have something stuck in their teeth, or as complex as a team member who makes disrespectful comments that impact others’ performance.
Difficult conversations are entirely subjective (many would not consider my example a difficult conversation!) and they come easily to some, while others avoid them at all costs – ironically, at great personal cost.
I’ll go into more detail about how to approach and manage difficult conversations in a future piece and masterclass, but my starting position is to approach them with humility, empathy and with the aim of connection.
It’s important to note, there are some things that are not worth our time, effort or energy.
Learning to evaluate and make a call on when to speak up takes conscious effort and practice. A good filter is to think about the ripple effect: in the bigger picture, what’s the potential downstream impact of holding this back (including for yourself) versus the potential benefit of communicating it? Will this help me and others bring more kindness and empathy to future interactions? Will it alleviate or prevent resentment?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this in the comments – and whether you resonate with my experience!
Thank you for being here,
Larissa
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my ~10 years of partnership and ~5 years of parenting, everyone’s bar for “a difficult conversation” is shockingly different. And can even change over time within the same person or couple. The pressure of responsibility in becoming Dads, in our case — the overwhelm of having to not just do it, but feeling the need to do it better just to prove we deserve the right to exist as a two-young-dad family — has truly cracked our heads open and required us to concede that ‘difficult’ is so relative that it… almost explains why Einstein’s hair was like that.
But as I always love/hate to say: 😮💨
The hard work is always worth it.
This really made me think. I often don’t speak up with family members because I know if I do it will descend into a row and sometimes I just can’t face it! BUT one of my promises to myself this year is that I would advocate for my needs better, so I’m excited to read your future posts.